you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
