No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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