as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
