I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am one with the molecules
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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