you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
