My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
