Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize