I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
