I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
