How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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