I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
