So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
