I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
