take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
