Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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