if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
