saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize