I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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