Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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