I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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