seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
