Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
