During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
