someone threw a dead crab at me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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