my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
