o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It was like giving head to a cactus.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
