I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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