My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
