I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
