The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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