Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
