Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
