I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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