Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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