highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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