he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just invented taco cereal.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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