A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
