GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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