i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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