this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
