smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
