she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
40s are totally the cure
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
