Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
