My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
