I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
What happened to fro yo and sex?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
