i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
