I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
false alarm, still single
Randomize
