shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
