Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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