What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
