Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
