Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
