apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
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