I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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