i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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