The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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