our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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