i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
