im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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