I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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