I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
