I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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