conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
