Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
