Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Your dad touched me again.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize